Thursday, December 15, 2011

freedom fa la la la la!

i walked to my last final today convinced - convinced i tell you! - that i was going to tell the graduate coordinator that i was done with graduate school.  i imagined myself leaving the final feeling refreshed by the fact that i would never be a student again and moreover that i had actually made a decision.  instead, i walked out of the room with out saying a word to the coordinator and went back to my circular thought process.

should i finish my master's program?  well what i do if i weren't in school next semester? what if i regret this decision for the rest of my life? {especially when i have to go back to waitressing when i'm 40}  well what if what if what if what if what if WHAT IF???

and then my stomach curled around itself in knots like it has since july.  {no seriously, i have been having this conversation with myself - and probably you too - since july!} 

 i have questioned my decision to pursue a master's degree in english everyday
i have spent hours agonizing over my options
 i have lost confidence in my ability to make the right decision or any decision for that matter
and because i have spent so much time thinking about all of the ins and outs of this decision, i am now to a point where i really don't know what i think or feel anymore, which leaves me feeling... unsure. 

but i do know i want to love and feel inspired by what i'm doing. and i do know that i don't want to get a master's degree just for the sake of getting a master's degree.  what has kept me going is the flexible part-time option of teaching at a college that a master's degree will actually provide, but sometimes i'm unsure if that's enough of a reason to continue. {insert irrational fears here} in my mind, people who go to graduate school are either totally passionate about what they're going to school for or know that by going to graduate school they will be able to move from point A to point B.  in my mind, people who go to graduate school are not supposed to do the bare minimum simply to survive for two years while dreading their next semester's classes.  and after all this, even though i feel unsure about school, i feel equally unsure {if not more unsure} about what i would do if i weren't in school, which maybe wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.  

through all of this, i have learned that i'm not passionate about much besides tanner, my family and my friends - and maybe mexican tacos, reeses peanut butter cups, and virgil's bottled blackberry soda - and maybe one other entrepreneur idea i have floating around in my head - but really, at this point right this second, i don't see any master degree or career making or breaking my current or future happiness, because i already have everything i truly care about.  which technically should be comforting?  

so wish me luck on making a decision asap.  oh big life decisions, growing up is not so fun to do sometimes. 

but what is fun is the fact that i have 2+ weeks to do absolutely nothing but enjoy family, christmas trees, and treats.  did i mention we're leaving for iowa really soon?

and because this post was so long and wordy and not fun, here's a picture of us hanging out tonight on the first official night of winter break.


i'm watching 30 rock and blogging and tanner is really close to falling asleep on the couch.  i take back part of what i said before - this part of growing up is the life.

5 comments:

  1. i love your list of what you're actually passionate about.... good luck on the decision (and stick to what you love, in my humble opinion) :)

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  2. i'm totally with you on this one. I struggled (and still struggle) with the thought of grad school cause you LOVE what you do and just want as much of it as you can get. But you hit the nail right on the head when you said that a masters degree doesn't make or break your current or future happiness cause you already have everything you truly care about. you couldn't have said it any better. I still have daydreams about grad school but the alternative (the cutest, chunkiest little boy alive) is way funner than I ever imagined, and when I'm gone I find it surprising that I just want to be with him!! : ) The alternative (whatever it is for you, I'm totally not implying that it's kids) I think is always scarier in thought than in reality. : ) good luck with figuring it all out! Can't wait to hear more about what you decide to do.

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  3. Haha your passions are the best.
    Part of me still wishes I had gone to grad school, but part of me is so thankful every day that I'm not a student anymore. I think maybe once you commit one way or the other you'll feel better about it. No matter what you decide, I know you have great things ahead of you!
    P.S. That picture reminds me of oh so many nights at our apartment too. Dan always falls asleep while we're watching TV!

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  4. i don't know you Brighton, but i've been reading your blog for about 1.5 years and here's what i see...someone who is passionate about your husband, passionate about your family, and so grateful for your friends. you love food (that is obvious) and you are really good at writing. although in the only other comment i made in this blog (the last time you chatted about your ambivalence towards grad school - was it back in july?) i sort-of warned against doing a master's degree, i was still happy that you got in. but it sounds like you're not passionate about it. at all. i know the grad school environment and there are certainly those who ARE passionate about it. those are the ones who get the grants, go to conferences, are more than happy to spend their 30's doing post-docs, applying for more grants, lecturing and then landing that coveted university position. or, there are those that see a grad degree as a really great credential in their pursuit of something else (something known, like, an editor position). but, with that larger picture in mind, they still end up being somewhat passionate about it, maybe not as much as the first group, but still...

    just wondering about how a grad degree could help you with other stuff - like being an editor, or a food critic? if it helps, maybe it's worth sticking it out. having the goal in mind will help you to commit to the 2 years ahead of you, as unpleasant as they may be.

    but, if there's something else - something you want to do that a grad degree won't necessarily help with, then your time and energy may be best used elsewhere.

    either way, it's all going to work out. you have your priorities clearly set and i admire you for them. best of luck. love your blog. if i made things even more confusing, well, you're welcome. JK!

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  5. haha I love your indecisiveness on this subject. Good luck though! Im sure whatever you choose will work out great.
    I MISS YOU!

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