i walked to my last final today convinced - convinced i tell you! - that i was going to tell the graduate coordinator that i was done with graduate school. i imagined myself leaving the final feeling refreshed by the fact that i would never be a student again and moreover that i had actually made a decision. instead, i walked out of the room with out saying a word to the coordinator and went back to my circular thought process.
should i finish my master's program? well what i do if i weren't in school next semester? what if i regret this decision for the rest of my life? {especially when i have to go back to waitressing when i'm 40} well what if what if what if what if what if WHAT IF???
and then my stomach curled around itself in knots like it has since july. {no seriously, i have been having this conversation with myself - and probably you too - since july!}
i have questioned my decision to pursue a master's degree in english everyday
i have spent hours agonizing over my options
i have lost confidence in my ability to make the right decision or any decision for that matter
and because i have spent so much time thinking about all of the ins and outs of this decision, i am now to a point where i really don't know what i think or feel anymore, which leaves me feeling... unsure.
but i do know i want to love and feel inspired by what i'm doing. and i do know that i don't want to get a master's degree just for the sake of getting a master's degree. what has kept me going is the flexible part-time option of teaching at a college that a master's degree will actually provide, but sometimes i'm unsure if that's enough of a reason to continue. {insert irrational fears here} in my mind, people who go to graduate school are either totally passionate about what they're going to school for or know that by going to graduate school they will be able to move from point A to point B. in my mind, people who go to graduate school are not supposed to do the bare minimum simply to survive for two years while dreading their next semester's classes. and after all this, even though i feel unsure about school, i feel equally unsure {if not more unsure} about what i would do if i weren't in school, which maybe wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.
through all of this, i have learned that i'm not passionate about much besides tanner, my family and my friends - and maybe mexican tacos, reeses peanut butter cups, and virgil's bottled blackberry soda - and maybe one other entrepreneur idea i have floating around in my head - but really, at this point right this second, i don't see any master degree or career making or breaking my current or future happiness, because i already have everything i truly care about. which technically should be comforting?
so wish me luck on making a decision asap. oh big life decisions, growing up is not so fun to do sometimes.
but what is fun is the fact that i have 2+ weeks to do absolutely nothing but enjoy family, christmas trees, and treats. did i mention we're leaving for iowa really soon?
and because this post was so long and wordy and not fun, here's a picture of us hanging out tonight on the first official night of winter break.
i'm watching 30 rock and blogging and tanner is really close to falling asleep on the couch. i take back part of what i said before - this part of growing up is the life.
