happy list

In my last post, I wrote about how acknowledging and talking about our hard things can make those hard things easier.  I believe this.  I also talked about accepting what is.  I really believe this.  But I also believe in seeking after and acknowledging our happy things, because if we don’t, I’ve found that it’s easy to miss them completely.  I’ve never forgotten advice I heard years ago: joy does not precede gratitude – gratitude precedes joy.  With that in mind, I’ve decided to find one specific thing I’m grateful for each day, and compose a weekly list. 

My happy list:

Monday date nights in Provo

Experiencing an early morning feeling refreshed enough to get out of bed and make smoothies (This only happened because I fell asleep before 9PM the night before)

A husband that drives all the way from SLC to Provo to pick me up, just so I don’t have to commute home alone

A friend who perfectly understands the experience of infertility

Three amazing students who showed up to class for Friday’s peer review and made my job worthwhile. It was such a good hour. I kept thinking, “I really love my job.”

Yard work. It’s weird – I know, but I love weeding, watering, and landscaping.  Saturday was the first time I’ve spent the day in the yard this year.

Sunday naps and coke

#nofilter: on sharing, infertility, and accepting

^^ One of my favorite photos from when we were dating

I often fall asleep writing essays in my head.  Most of the time, these essays stay tucked away, never to be read by anyone, and sometimes never to even be written.  Lately, I've felt like writing more of these essays down on paper and even sharing some of them.  In the digital world, it can be hard to walk the tightrope between what is personal and what is public. Although I have a Facebook, instagram, Pinterest, and this blog, I usually lean toward keeping things personal, except of course for when it comes to the "happier" moments in life - birthdays, homemade desserts that actually turn out, vacations that look glamorous under a filter - you know, those kinds of things.  Tears, stress, anxiety, and the many mundane hours of the day are rarely shared in such public places such as instagram or Facebook, and for good reasons.  We share what we want to remember - revising our memories sometimes as we create them - and usually we'd rather remember (and have others see) our happier moments. However, for me, sometimes sharing and viewing all of the positive moments in our own and other's lives makes the hard things harder.  Although most of the time I enjoy the inspiration that comes from being constantly exposed to other's achievements and joys, sometimes, our hard things can feel more lonely as a result. With that being said, I decided to share one of those "essays" I wrote a few weeks ago in my head that ended up on paper. Sometimes sharing our positive moments helps us through difficult situations, and sometimes sharing our less positive moments helps, too. After two failed artificial inseminations, this is a case of the latter.  

>>>>>>>>>>

We did our first iui February 1, 2015. My RE said AF was supposed to arrive 14dpiui; instead, she came 15 dpiui, which gave me and my DH more hope than usual for 24 hours straight. During those 24 hours, I kept telling myself: PUPO.  Today marks CD8.  In translation: My “DH” (dear husband) and I are going through infertility treatments, and I’ve officially reached the point of obsessively reading online infertility forums. 

Besides learning a new language in acronyms, we’ve adopted words like clomid, letrozole, follicles, andrology, vericoceles, morphology, and motility into our daily lives over the last several years. 

To make a long story short, cumulatively between not preventing, sorta trying, and really trying, we’ve “tried” for over two years to get pregnant (thirty months, to be exact). Honestly, it didn’t become hard until about nine months ago when we learned there were anatomical things going on preventing us from getting pregnant on our own (unfortunately, it’s not “stress” like so many well-intentioned people assume).  Since then, our experience trying to get pregnant has become very different from what I expected it would be like – romantic, exciting, even naïve to some extent.  Instead, it’s become a carefully calculated science where we could literally get pregnant without even having to see each other in the same day.

Essentially, here’s how it works: Each month after being pumped full of hormones, I am basically poked and prodded for different things at different times throughout the month.  The first poking happens through an ultrasound, where instead of anxiously checking on a baby, we hope for at least one mature follicle, which is a sign of a mature egg about to ovulate.  A few days later, I’m given a trigger shot to ensure ovulation 36 hours before the insemination, and finally, a catheter to my uterus performs the insemination after Tanner, you know, does his thing.  After all is poked and prodded, we wait for two weeks, hoping for a “BFP” (big fat positive).  If we get a disappointing “BFN” (big fat negative), we feel sorry for ourselves for a couple of days, and then we start the process over. 

More annoying than the physical process of poking and prodding is the waiting, because it is like being in a constant state of limbo – except you know exactly what you want, which makes it that much harder to wait patiently.  Meanwhile, it seems like everyone you know is getting pregnant – and while you truly are happy for each one of them – it is also a reminder of your own desires that feel like they are becoming more and more unreachable, even if they are not. There’s just no way to know for sure. Besides, even if you could know, all your synthetically-charged hormonal emotions wouldn’t listen to logic anyway. Honestly, I do believe it will work out one way or another and we will be content with whatever that is, but that doesn’t always translate to a feeling of peace, and as much as I believe in the future, I believe in accepting and living whatever is happening in the present. And oftentimes the present is hopeful, but other times it’s disappointing, discouraging, or unfortunately, full of jealousy.  

One thing I’ve learned is that it is what it is until it is what we make of it, and right now, I haven’t made anything of it, so it is what it is.  We go to late night movies. We make dinner together. We stay up too late, and I sleep in too late. We plan trips on a whim. We spend hours watching Netflix. We eat out when we feel like it. We get brunch on Saturdays (and that’s the only reason we get out of bed).  We go on dates every night of the week. And as quickly as we’d swap a baby for our current way of life, what it is means doing our best at waiting by living in our present, even the hard parts.

Moved blog!

For anyone interested, I have (kind of) started blogging here every now and then!

Our 7th Home and First House

In the five years we have been married, Tanner and I have moved seven times. So, we have had a lot of homes together.  This summer, however, we bought our first house, which means we hopefully won't be moving for a long while.  The house is in great condition in most ways, but cosmetically, it needs a lot of work, so ever since we moved in a few weeks ago, we have spent all our free time working on projects.  So far, we have painted three rooms, a kitchen, and a hallway, installed new floors, and today I started painting our kitchen cabinets on a whim.  We still have two more rooms to paint, carpet to install in the bedrooms, and several other smaller projects.  I'm starting to see it come together, and I can't wait for it to be done!  Here are some pictures of our progress.

 

Before: Here is the project I was most excited about. This room was dark and ugly with wood paneling everywhere, red tile floors, and giant old speakers that weren't connected to any sort of sound system. I really wonder what this room was used for??

 After with paint, feels so much better

With different floors (that I'm in love with), even better

Before: The front room wasn't nearly as bad to begin with.

After: Again, I am obsessed with these floors.

I am really proud of this room because it was actually my idea (and not Pinterest's...) to use the cube shelf as a room divider to create a little foyer in the front room.  

And during all the chaos of paint and flooring, Madison and Louis came to visit! At one point, Madison asked me where the trash was, and I told her the kitchen floor - and I was not joking even a little.  It has come a long way the past week.

Although buying a house has been an overwhelming process from start to finish, it has been a lot of fun making our home totally ours.  When everything is all set up, I'll take more pictures of the house and post some more photos.  

Welcome!

I used to blog a little here and there at tannerandbrighton.blogspot.com, and then, I kinda just stopped two years ago.  Although I was never very good at actually keeping up a blog, I have missed it from time to time - I have even drafted several posts to re-enter the blogging world, but I always felt awkward posting after so many years of not blogging.  Now, two-plus years later, I've decided to officially start up again - so, welcome!  Now that I've finally broken the ice, expect to see sporadic posts about house projects, food, and other random stuff about our life.

April Snow Days & Maxi Dresses

We woke up to this morning to snow so I thought what better way to overcome the it's-supposed-to-be-spring-because-it's-april-but-it-snowed blues by listing one of my most recent and favorite finds - a positively summer maxi dress.  If only it fit me...

Shop Update

 1970s striped blouse

1970s polka dot bow blouse

Like I said, it is a slow work in progress, but here are a couple of additions.  The hardest part for me about starting this store is that I want to keep everything!  I had an especially hard time parting with the polka dot blouse - it really is so cute and flattering on.  Let's just say it's usually better if I find things that don't fit me...

 Available @ 10thandGrand!

Still Alive...

We're still alive over here!  It has been a busy few months and I just haven't felt like blogging, but here's to a random update!  The biggest news I have to share is that our time in Provo is almost over (Provo, not Utah!)  Our apartment contract is up at the end of April and since I'm not taking classes during the summer, it seems pretty silly for Tanner to have to drive all the way to SLC everyday when I have no real need to be in Provo.  We actually are moving this time!  Although I have complained about our hot-and-cold house and its lack of water pressure (and oftentimes lack of hot water, too...), and basically non-existent storage space, and the lady next door who screams at the top of her lungs for her green-sweater-wearing dog named Albus everyday early in the morning and late at night, I am still a little sad to move.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited to have a dish washer, disposal, washer and dryer, CLOSETS, central air, a heater that actually produces heat, and insulation around my windows, it feels like we are ending a little chapter of our lives because I know I will remember our life right now as the time we lived in "that old house in Provo" - and it has been so good.  Of course, we will only add more chapters and good memories in the future and I am excited for that, but I can feel a little nostalgic for the past that hasn't even become the past yet, right?  Onto bigger and better things - and by bigger and better things, I mean we are moving into a place with all the luxuries mentioned above + a pool, a hot tub, and 5 cute kids -Tanner's sister and brother-in-law are letting us stay at their house for a month or two until we find a place we want to move into for the next year or so.

I've been feeling really grateful for everything in my life lately and this song seems to match my mood.  I can't stop listening to it.  I think it will be my summer song.




And to match the randomness of this update, here are some randomly selected photos from the past few months.  Don't worry, we pretty much still look the same.

valentines' day fort chris & azy came to visit with their cute boysmy mom came to visit and we bought matching sweaterstanner and esther making school valentinesbillboards designed by tanner - so proud!
p.s. Oh yeah! I made my very first sale on my etsy store yesterday - 10thandGrand - and I am pretty excited.  Tanner made me a little logo and I shipped it out today.  There are only a few things on there right now and it is definitely a slow work in progress, but feel free to take a look.

christmas week

after a couple of long days of driving, we made it to iowa! the drive really wasn't that bad.  we took our time, stopped in random places we wanted to stop, and made it home in good time + the weather cooperated, which made the drive much more relaxing than what it could have been.  honestly, it was pretty fun to drive together and watch the scenery change as we moved across the states.  i love seeing the silos and old farmhouses start to pop up as you get closer to iowa.

for the first time, we are staying for longer than a week, which has made it a much more relaxing trip so far.  today, we literally sat around and did nothing all day long and didn't feel guilty about it for a second.  probably the best part about being home for me is getting to be apart of all the normal things i miss when i'm away.  one of my favorite parts of our vacation so far lasted for about 10 minutes when i watched hunter and couple of his friends saxophone carol down main street in ames. {the fact that they ended up on the local prime time news for it has nothing do with it, i swear!} i love getting to see and be apart of my younger brother and sister - and all of my cousins' - lives as they grow up, and the little things like getting to see my little brother go saxophone caroling makes me feel less far away from my iowa home.  the only thing that would make this trip better is if shea & chris were here to hang out too - come on guys, there's still a couple days for you to get here before christmas!

other highlights have included: sunday dinner, building the annual xmas village, eating eating eating of course {notice the picture of tanner's gigantuan iowan sized dinner courtesy of hickory park}, cafe diem with my mom and elizabeth, gossip girl gossip girl gossip girl {will chuck bass live or die???}, playing an intense game of scattergories, cat stories with dad, taking horribly ugly pics with madison & hunter on photobooth, making christmas cookies at gran & papa's {and seeing their new house}, and FINALLY finishing my christmas shopping for the year after several trips to target.

only two more days until christmas!! got to love this time of year.

prospect talk

tanner started an etsy shop {called prospect talk} for some design things very recently and had his first sale today - woo hoo!!  he is adding things little by little - but if you know anyone looking for unique and really cool wedding invitations, refer them to his shop!

the business is booming! me and tanner say that to each other jokingly when little business triumphs happen like today with his first sale (it all started with my very little business endeavor with eye lashes this summer).  but really, check it out and keep checking for new things to be added!

freedom fa la la la la!

i walked to my last final today convinced - convinced i tell you! - that i was going to tell the graduate coordinator that i was done with graduate school.  i imagined myself leaving the final feeling refreshed by the fact that i would never be a student again and moreover that i had actually made a decision.  instead, i walked out of the room with out saying a word to the coordinator and went back to my circular thought process.

should i finish my master's program?  well what i do if i weren't in school next semester? what if i regret this decision for the rest of my life? {especially when i have to go back to waitressing when i'm 40}  well what if what if what if what if what if WHAT IF???

and then my stomach curled around itself in knots like it has since july.  {no seriously, i have been having this conversation with myself - and probably you too - since july!} 

 i have questioned my decision to pursue a master's degree in english everyday

i have spent hours agonizing over my options

 i have lost confidence in my ability to make the right decision or any decision for that matter

and because i have spent so much time thinking about all of the ins and outs of this decision, i am now to a point where i really don't know what i think or feel anymore, which leaves me feeling... unsure. 

but i do know i want to love and feel inspired by what i'm doing. and i do know that i don't want to get a master's degree just for the sake of getting a master's degree.  what has kept me going is the flexible part-time option of teaching at a college that a master's degree will actually provide, but sometimes i'm unsure if that's enough of a reason to continue. {insert irrational fears here} in my mind, people who go to graduate school are either totally passionate about what they're going to school for or know that by going to graduate school they will be able to move from point A to point B.  in my mind, people who go to graduate school are not supposed to do the bare minimum simply to survive for two years while dreading their next semester's classes.  and after all this, even though i feel unsure about school, i feel equally unsure {if not more unsure} about what i would do if i weren't in school, which maybe wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.  

through all of this, i have learned that i'm not passionate about much besides tanner, my family and my friends - and maybe mexican tacos, reeses peanut butter cups, and virgil's bottled blackberry soda - and maybe one other entrepreneur idea i have floating around in my head - but really, at this point right this second, i don't see any master degree or career making or breaking my current or future happiness, because i already have everything i truly care about.  which technically should be comforting?  

so wish me luck on making a decision asap.  oh big life decisions, growing up is not so fun to do sometimes. 

but what is fun is the fact that i have 2+ weeks to do absolutely nothing but enjoy family, christmas trees, and treats.  did i mention we're leaving for iowa really soon?

and because this post was so long and wordy and not fun, here's a picture of us hanging out tonight on the first official night of winter break.

i'm watching 30 rock and blogging and tanner is really close to falling asleep on the couch.  i take back part of what i said before - this part of growing up is the life.

it's beginning to smell and look like christmas

today i got home from teaching my class, turned on sufjan steven's christmas album, and peeled a clementine. the clementine smelled so strong, it was the first time it really felt like christmas to me even though we decorated our christmas tree and house for christmas last weekend.  looking through some of my pictures i've taken recently, it's beginning to look like christmas around our house too.

christmas kiss cookies - check

decorating christmas trees - check

favorite ornaments - check

snow - check (well sort of...)

christmas lights - check

clementines - check check check!

now if i could only get through the rest of this week (it's the absolute worst to be a student this time of year) and i will be feeling full-blown in the christmas spirit!  

oh and did i mention we got another nephew last week? steven ramsey facer. we love you already. that's the 4th capua baby this year - 4th!  it's a good thing there are so many babies around for us to hold and hang out with otherwise we might start wanting one of our own.

life according to instagram

tanner entered the iPhone world!

first iPhone pic

fall leaves preparing for christmas

too lazy to plug in my laptop charger

me & esther

rocco wearing giant scuba fins

the highlight of our weekend was saturday when tanner and i got to relive our "falling in love moments" - working together at a restaurant of course!  tanner bussed tables saturday night while i served tables.  it's funny because when we were working at pizza factory, we both could only dream of a life that did not include pizza factory.  but i can't lie, after saturday night, i kinda miss those days.

my hair crisis is over (temporarily)

i've had short hair, really short hair, medium length hair, long hair, hair with a cowlick, hair with a shaved cowlick, hair with a medium cowlick, bangs, and no bangs.  i've gone darker, but i've never gone lighter, until today when i got a melt.  and i'm happy to say it's here to say - it's just what i needed to change things up this time of year.  you may not be able to tell from the picture too well, but my hair gets lighter toward the ends and i am loving it.  you should probably get one too.

and here are some pictures of tanner for good measure

and this is what tanner decided to do with his pictures...enjoy

oh yeah, and next time i'm thinking about growing out my cowlick, please remind me what a terrible idea that it is.